What do you give...

When you really need to reach down and give something  you don't think is there, what do you do?  It is the tendency of some to just give up, walk away, and give nothing.  It is the tendency of others to give until they are drained to the point of bed ridden life living.  I think the key is balance. 

I love it when I begin writing these things and I answer my own questions.  I know it seems as though I begin writing with a purpose in mind and I tried to be clever by starting out with a question.  Then somehow I cunningly insert a wise thougtht and BAM! I've taught the world something.  It's not like that.

This morning I felt like I had nothing more to give to my family, my job, or anyone else, but when I asked myself what kind of person I was, I decidedly answered that I was the one that never stopped giving.  I'm realizing as I write this that is unhealthy in so many ways and so, now, I think the key is balance.

We have to learn to set boundaries and tell people how we feel.  Assuming they know or can discern is setting yourself up for failure.  Even when these people are dependent on you (like your children), reach out for help from others when  you need a break.  It is so important to have a little left to help rejuvenate. 

Mentor On Ration

For those of you who don't know, I am a 9th grade English teacher.  A student approached me yesterday and told me that a friend of hers (also a ninth grader) wants to have an abortion.  She asked if I could write the little girl a letter saying what a blessing my children are and how an abortion is not the way to go.  I couldn't tell her who I was because my job does not permit me to talk to students this way...but they need it.  I don't mind sharing this with the world because God is so good and he redeems the unredeemable...here it is:

To the young girl who needs this,


I was once a teenager. I defied my parents to see boys, hung out with my girlfriends, skipped school, had so much fun, and honestly didn’t think much about what it may cost me later. I somehow made it through those years of unprotected sex, heartache, rape, giving my whole heart to boys who didn’t appreciate it and being pissed at my father for not being there and not caring without serious damage…or so I thought.

The damage was inside. I’ve always been a smart girl and could get through school easily without being there and without studying. My mom really didn’t know what I did. She knew I wasn’t perfect, but I was able to keep a lot of my “fun” hidden. I drank, smoked weed, and had no respect for myself or others (although I thought I did at the time).

I went to college and visited a friend in Louisiana. My ex-boyfriend of 3 years was down there, and he heard that I was visiting. I saw him, we had sex (I didn’t even want to…I just thought that was the deepest way to show affection), and I felt horrible because I didn’t even like him like that anymore. I came home, and I was living with 3 friends at the time…a month later, I didn’t get my period.

I went to the drug store, got a test and sure enough, I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do, and all I could think of was how I wasn’t ready to have a baby, what my mom would say, what my friends would say and what my ex would say. (Notice…I didn’t one time think about the child that was inside of me…just myself and my own needs).

I called my ex and the first thing he asked me was where he needed to send the money for the abortion. He didn’t ask how I felt, what I wanted to do, or even think about his responsibility in this. If I got an abortion, I would have to live with it…not him. He would be free to go on, but it would be my body that would be violated. I would be the one killing my child (I know that sounds harsh, but lets call it what it is)…not him. I was so scared that I let fear make my decision instead of my heart, and I went to the clinic.

The whole time the nurses were telling me that it was my body and I could make my own decisions. Deep inside I knew they were wrong because at just six weeks inside my stomach, the baby was already developing eyes, ears, a nose, a mouth, arms, legs and it had a heart beat. If something is alive, it has a heart beat. I ignored them, but I also ignored myself because I knew that I was being selfish and killing my baby.  I was just not ready. They gave me a pill, and I went home and took it. I lied to my roommates and told them that I was having really bad cramps and not to bother me. I laid in my room, by myself as my baby bled out of me. The pain was horrible, but my heart hurt worse.

I kept this a secret from people for about 6 months until one day…I just couldn’t. My friends told me that they knew something was wrong because I stopped taking as much pride in my appearance…my hair wasn’t as cute, I wore less makeup and I threw on whatever was on my floor. I didn’t even notice.

Eventually I went to a group that was supposed to help people that had abortions. I was only 24, but there were 50 year old women there that had lied to themselves since they were teenagers that suffered from an abortion and what it does to you. Some women couldn’t have kids now that they wanted to, and they were afraid it was because of the abortion(s). At the group I learned that what I did was wrong and it was bad, but there was a God out there that loved me unconditionally and forgave me…the key was forgiving myself and living my life for Him, handling situations the way that He wanted me to handle them and not the way that I wanted to.

I learned that what got me into the situation was wrong, but the baby was innocent. The baby deserved to be here whether I raised her, a family member raised her, or she was put up for adoption. Either way…it was not my place to end her life, and deep down inside, I knew that. I was supposed to trust that God would give me the strength, money, time, help, and patience to take care of my little girl. (I've always felt like she was a little girl; her name would have been Sabel).

After my abortion and my new relationship with Jesus Christ, I decided not to have sex until I got married because I wanted to give Him glory and  I was being irresponsible…enough to end up hurting my own child. I didn’t want a situation like that again, and I knew I wasn’t ready to raise one, so I stopped. Thank God I did because when I met the man that is now my husband, I was able to give him something on our honeymoon night that was special and not something that other men had whenever they wanted. Now I am married and have two kids: a little girl and a little boy. They make my days worth having. I may have a horrible day, but they love me…they smile at me, need me, play with me, kiss me, hug me and show me what real love is all about.

I love my life, and I love the lesson I learned from my experience so I can keep other young girls from going through the same pain and missing out on one of greatest treasures God can give. Every year I think about my child that I don’t have…and I miss her.

From someone who has been in your shoes…
Don’t follow mine…

While you don't have kids...

I love it when people complain to me about how little time they have.  Just wait until you have kids.  Just wait until you have to use the bathroom, but you can't because your child needs you more.  Just wait until you forget to eat because you are too busy feeding them.  Just wait...

OMG!  I sound like old people!  I'm grateful for my kids.  They bring me joy every single day.  Just two days ago my 20 month old boy heard his mommy's phone ringing, saw that I was tied up feeding his 3 month old sister and went to answer it for me without me saying a word!  Talk about the sweetest thing ever!

We have to be so careful to not turn bitter and complain about our blessings.  While you don't have kids...sure live it up, but when you have kids, you can still make time for what you care about.  You can still start a business, pursue a new career, go back to school, learn karate...whatever and you'll feel better for it.

Here are some practical steps for still living your life:
1.  Get on something that closely resembles a routine - I know things won't be perfect, but more often than not, you will have more time to devote to other things.
2.  Set attainable, short-term goals for yourself - If you know there is a mission to be accomplished, you will more than likely make it happen.  If you constantly talk about what you are going to do, it will never get done.
3.   Be prepared and realistic - If you know that your goal calls for internet and you don't have any, it is not realistic to think that you will have 2 hours to go spend at Schlotzky's when you have children and other responsibilities at home.  Gather what you need before hand and be prepared when opportunities present themselves.
4.  Utilize free time wisely - When I have a day off away from the kids, the only thing I really want to do is lounge and get rest.  Sometimes that is exactly what you need to do, but if it is not one of those moments, it is time to do what you need to do to be prepared.  Make phone calls, go to the store for supplies, brainstorm, etc...  The wash will still be there tomorrow and so will the kitchen...your ideas may not be.

You may feel like you have no time and you don't even have children...the same steps apply.  Children just make it more interesting.

No Hopeless Poetry

Lately I have found myself having to fight hopelessness.  The ironic part is that there is NO reason to be hopeless, and I know that.  Why do we entertain thoughts that are irrational?  I always tell my husband that it is ok for a rational person to have irrational fears (this usually pertains to my extreme and silly fear of insects and small animals), but now I'm second guessing my claim.

If there are real signs and there is traceable evidence that shows God's goodness, mercy and grace then why am I afraid?  Why am I tempted to write dark things that will perpetuate my deceitful emotions?  If I truly belief what God's word says (which I do) then why act contrary to my belief?  It makes no sense. 

So...in conclusion...it is not ok for a rational person to have irrational fears IF that person does not check it at some point.  It's not ok to be complacent in them because those comfortable fears will begin to taint precious places in your life and ultimately keep you tied down, away from your purpose.

Hopeless Poetry
I can’t live my life with a passion for no passion

I can’t live my life with joy on a ration
A hope for a new thing my life will fashion
Because
poetry is what I do…
And I’m sick and tired of hopeless poetry
Sick and tired of the blues with no music,
Sick and tired of the bruise in my heart
As those hopeless words fly like darts
And try to impart a world of sorrow.
To hopeless people…
Words we underestimate
So they sneak up in our vulnerable states
Words of hate there to create descent…
So trust is snatched away and
your heart becomes cement…
Hopeless poetry terrorizes our minds
Makes negativity benign
And grinds our dreams to fine dust
And dust is light, so our dreams go with the wind
And now hopeless poetry has got us pinned
In a cycle that never ends…
Not good enough, not smart enough
If you were smarter you’d be better,
You’d be better if you were smarter…
Hopeless poetry has got us pinned….
But what exactly is hopeless poetry
Not just words that strangle your growth,
It’s the fear that plagues you,
The moment when you said “I hate you”
Not caring for him, disrespecting her
Letting circumstances take you back to what you were
Poetry in motion
With its devotion to the desperate,
Preying on your heart, Unforgiveness, and regret,
Is hopeless poetry’s sillouette
And I’m sick and tired of hopeless poetry…

In the midst of it all...

When we go through things in life, regardless of if they are fair or not, we have to deal with them head on.  We can't run because, eventually, it will catch up; we can't hide because, eventually, it will find you.  There are so many times when my preference would be to give up and say I'm done, but is that reality?

Of course not, you can never really give up unless you check yourself into a mental institution (which has been known to happen).  Life still happens in the midst of it all.  Work still happens in the midst of it all.  Friends still happen in the midst of it all.  Family, ministry, goals, relationships, etc. still happen in th midst of it all.

We have to allow ourselves to flow in the midst of it all in order to stay sane, keep our faith and not focus on ourselves (not saying that is a bad thing because sometimes the focus has to be on us for healing and restoration)

Let's be about our Father's business and let him take care of ours.

What are some ways that you can keep going and continue being productive, normal members of society in your current situation?

Small Business Owner

I now have a title...I'm a small business owner.  For so long, I have sat in the background and watched people pursue things that seemed to make them happy.  I think sometimes dreams can seem so far away, but they really don't have to.

At first, I was nervous and overwhelmed because a lot goes into organizing and planning a business.  Then I made peace with it, took some time and hashed it out.  If it weren't for Regina it wouldn't have happened!  I'm so excited about it.

It is called A Penny For My Thoughts and it is an editing business.  The key is that my company is more affordable than other freelance editing businesses because it just costs a penny per word!  Check it out at http://www.pennyformythoughts.net/.  Also, I have a weekly blog that is updated every Monday with tips and helpful lessons for writers.  That can be found at pennyperword.blogspot.com. 

Do you have any business aspirations?  What are they and have you taken any steps to see it fulfilled? 

Purpose of My Blog

I titled this blog in such a way that you could be deceived into thinking that I would be telling you the purpose of my blog....I wish I could.

I'm asking all of you who may read this, who know my strengths and my weaknesses, what is the purpose of my blog?  What SHOULD be the purpose of my blog?  What would be most helpful, needed, wanted in our lives right now?

I'll be waiting and in the meantime, I will post all the randomness that is in my head. 

So Bad Things Do Happen To Good People

This age old question seems to hover around our minds and ultimately taunt our hearts.  Why me?  Why not someone who "deserves" it?  Isn't that what we are really saying?  We are implying that someone else deserves this more than we do.  Although I would like to see myself as a good person, the truth is that I have lied, cheated, stole, murdered in my heart, and acted ungrateful at some point in my life.  Some would tell me to not sweat it because that is only human.  EXACTLY!

Aren't we all human?  Haven't we all fallen short of God's expectations?  So, if that is the case, who am I to say that someone else deserves this pain more than me?  Sure it hurts and I DON'T want it.  I don't even want to write about this because I have then acknowledged the very thing that could have been my excuse to sulk.  But it has to be exposed.  If it isn't then I'm stuck and God is too good for me to be stuck.

Our purpose in our pain is not always clear, but that is why bad things happen to "good" people...it's the purpose.  There is one regardless of what you believe. Unfortunately, if you don't believe that this world was divinely created with a purpose then your pain really is purposeless and that makes it hurt even worse.  Through my pain, I am learning how to identify with the One that endured pain for me.  I am learning what it means to sacrifice and love those who have ultimately hurt me.  I'm in training for the moments in this lifetime when someone, anyone needs to have the decency to stand up for someone who may or may not "deserve" it.  I'm putting myself in a place where God can use me in any situation. 

That means the payoff is huge!

That means the withdrawl I can make after this time of pressured deposits is exponentially more lucrative than before.

Thank you God!

If life was all about feeling good and getting what we wanted, how would we learn anything?  If that was really what life was all about, who would be helped?  Sure things would feel better more often, but as soon as you attempted to dig deeper inside yourself to see what was really there, you would be left empty, disappointed and scared that what you see is really all there is to you.

I won't have that problem.

Love, Sacrifice, and Border-Line Abuse

You may be wondering to whom I am referring when I use a word as strong as abuse...ME and every teacher that has stepped foot in a classroom to sacrifice his/her time to educate the youth of America.  There are certain individuals in the world who truly know what I'm talking about when I say teachers are tired, but most of America has no clue.  I'm done hearing that "but you get summers off" crap (excuse my frankness).  If I didn't get summers off then I wouldn't be able to effectively teach our children or live a normal life without going crazy.

I'm tired of being completely disrespected, cut off and cursed out by a 13 year old who then turns around and asks me for help on an assignment ten minutes later.  And guess what???  I help them..I want to kick them in the throat, but I help them.  Someone please feel my pain.  It is so humbling and such a lesson about this life NOT revolving around you when you must serve those who don't appreciate you.  Today my team of teachers and I told a kid that we cared about her and all she could ask us is why...

I told her that I had no clue because the way she was acting, I just wanted to wash my hands and be done! 

I wish I didn't have to care, but at the end of the day I know that I'm going to do whatever possible to help these children.  I'm tired of hearing my students talk about who is now pregnant and how her mom is "tripping" because she is mad about it.  I'm tired of students coming in with doctor's notes because they have a STD and had to be out for a few days.  I'm tired of 14 year olds walking around and acting like they are married in the hallways...doing things that my husband and I don't even do...and don't get me started on what goes on in the bathrooms.

How can I put my kids in a system like this?  How can I equip them to be leaders and not followers?  How can I know that what I'm telling them is really sinking in and they won't be living an infectiously poisonous life?  I don't know and I don't have the answers to my questions.  I don't know if anyone does.  I don't, but I have faith in who does and He is already making the arrangements...

Hero Husband [Poem]

Hero Husband


Leader: a person who rules, guides, or inspires others

to be great and to see their identity,
as they bask in the amenities of a man led
by something greater than words that men said.
Not a life steered by death,
but a life steered by breath
that was blown from the lips of El Shaddai.
Now walking uprightly is his reply
and his rely on love is constant and stable,
no longer consumed by types or labels.
A man whose fidelity to his master is known
and whose actions are unaltered in a crowd or alone.



A leader, a lover, a safe haven, a friend,
who’s respected;
a mere husband his roles transcend.
A fighter, believer, a warrior of life;
the backbone of his peers, his family and his wife.

So...I have been slapped in the face by reality...

So...I have been slapped in the face by a reality today...one that I have not ignored, but simply just forgot about. I'm writing this so that all of you other women out there that take care of a million things a day, have very little time for yourself already, and are already pushed to the limit in the key areas of your life can add ONE more thing to your plate...

Be a mom, sister, and/or friend to a young woman.

There is a need in our society for female fellowship. The world says that women are NOT supposed to be friends...instead we are supposed to compete. We want to know who is the sexiest, prettiest, finest, most intellectual, most accomplished, etc... This is a lie and we have taken in large spoonfuls of crap that separate, isolate and ultimately dislocate us from our purposes in this life.

Now I'm not talking about some feminist walk all over everybody and burn our bras (because somehow they are the symbol of man's conventional oppression) mentality. Instead I'm talking about a connection, one that has been overlooked yet longed for since human beings roamed this earth.

Perspective is the key to taking time out for another woman in your life. If you look at it as just one more thing to do, then that will be exactly what it is, but if you genuinely work to start a relationship, one that brings you joy, it will turn out to be exactly what you needed.

Outside Looking In...

I have a lot of labels. I have become more and more aware of them as time has passed, bills become due, family calls, children cry, and job demands. It is an amazing and exhausting thing to not live for yourself. Instead I live for everything and everyone and think about my needs later. When does later come...you may wonder...WELL, so do I. I have no clue when later comes.

Please don't get discouraged because by no means am I trying to discourage you or pollute your view on the future. There is a beauty to it, a maturity that it brings. Not living for yourself has a way working out your problems. For example, if I feel fat, I forget about it the next time I have to make lunch for my son. If I remember that I haven't had a pedicure since the New Testament was written, I forget about it the next time I have to grade papers for 150 9th graders that think I'm old at the ripe age of 27.

Even though it may sound like I'm complaining...ok maybe I am a little...I really do love my life. How boring and pitiful would it be to just have me to focus on all day long. I've lived with myself for 27 years and, sure there are things I want to do for myself, but ultimately I know those things will go towards the good of my family and friends...the people that love me and the people that I love.

So to sum up...I need more time for myself, but not at the expense of those who rightfully count on me and hopefully as I better myself, I will better their lives as well.