Mentor On Ration

For those of you who don't know, I am a 9th grade English teacher.  A student approached me yesterday and told me that a friend of hers (also a ninth grader) wants to have an abortion.  She asked if I could write the little girl a letter saying what a blessing my children are and how an abortion is not the way to go.  I couldn't tell her who I was because my job does not permit me to talk to students this way...but they need it.  I don't mind sharing this with the world because God is so good and he redeems the unredeemable...here it is:

To the young girl who needs this,


I was once a teenager. I defied my parents to see boys, hung out with my girlfriends, skipped school, had so much fun, and honestly didn’t think much about what it may cost me later. I somehow made it through those years of unprotected sex, heartache, rape, giving my whole heart to boys who didn’t appreciate it and being pissed at my father for not being there and not caring without serious damage…or so I thought.

The damage was inside. I’ve always been a smart girl and could get through school easily without being there and without studying. My mom really didn’t know what I did. She knew I wasn’t perfect, but I was able to keep a lot of my “fun” hidden. I drank, smoked weed, and had no respect for myself or others (although I thought I did at the time).

I went to college and visited a friend in Louisiana. My ex-boyfriend of 3 years was down there, and he heard that I was visiting. I saw him, we had sex (I didn’t even want to…I just thought that was the deepest way to show affection), and I felt horrible because I didn’t even like him like that anymore. I came home, and I was living with 3 friends at the time…a month later, I didn’t get my period.

I went to the drug store, got a test and sure enough, I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do, and all I could think of was how I wasn’t ready to have a baby, what my mom would say, what my friends would say and what my ex would say. (Notice…I didn’t one time think about the child that was inside of me…just myself and my own needs).

I called my ex and the first thing he asked me was where he needed to send the money for the abortion. He didn’t ask how I felt, what I wanted to do, or even think about his responsibility in this. If I got an abortion, I would have to live with it…not him. He would be free to go on, but it would be my body that would be violated. I would be the one killing my child (I know that sounds harsh, but lets call it what it is)…not him. I was so scared that I let fear make my decision instead of my heart, and I went to the clinic.

The whole time the nurses were telling me that it was my body and I could make my own decisions. Deep inside I knew they were wrong because at just six weeks inside my stomach, the baby was already developing eyes, ears, a nose, a mouth, arms, legs and it had a heart beat. If something is alive, it has a heart beat. I ignored them, but I also ignored myself because I knew that I was being selfish and killing my baby.  I was just not ready. They gave me a pill, and I went home and took it. I lied to my roommates and told them that I was having really bad cramps and not to bother me. I laid in my room, by myself as my baby bled out of me. The pain was horrible, but my heart hurt worse.

I kept this a secret from people for about 6 months until one day…I just couldn’t. My friends told me that they knew something was wrong because I stopped taking as much pride in my appearance…my hair wasn’t as cute, I wore less makeup and I threw on whatever was on my floor. I didn’t even notice.

Eventually I went to a group that was supposed to help people that had abortions. I was only 24, but there were 50 year old women there that had lied to themselves since they were teenagers that suffered from an abortion and what it does to you. Some women couldn’t have kids now that they wanted to, and they were afraid it was because of the abortion(s). At the group I learned that what I did was wrong and it was bad, but there was a God out there that loved me unconditionally and forgave me…the key was forgiving myself and living my life for Him, handling situations the way that He wanted me to handle them and not the way that I wanted to.

I learned that what got me into the situation was wrong, but the baby was innocent. The baby deserved to be here whether I raised her, a family member raised her, or she was put up for adoption. Either way…it was not my place to end her life, and deep down inside, I knew that. I was supposed to trust that God would give me the strength, money, time, help, and patience to take care of my little girl. (I've always felt like she was a little girl; her name would have been Sabel).

After my abortion and my new relationship with Jesus Christ, I decided not to have sex until I got married because I wanted to give Him glory and  I was being irresponsible…enough to end up hurting my own child. I didn’t want a situation like that again, and I knew I wasn’t ready to raise one, so I stopped. Thank God I did because when I met the man that is now my husband, I was able to give him something on our honeymoon night that was special and not something that other men had whenever they wanted. Now I am married and have two kids: a little girl and a little boy. They make my days worth having. I may have a horrible day, but they love me…they smile at me, need me, play with me, kiss me, hug me and show me what real love is all about.

I love my life, and I love the lesson I learned from my experience so I can keep other young girls from going through the same pain and missing out on one of greatest treasures God can give. Every year I think about my child that I don’t have…and I miss her.

From someone who has been in your shoes…
Don’t follow mine…

While you don't have kids...

I love it when people complain to me about how little time they have.  Just wait until you have kids.  Just wait until you have to use the bathroom, but you can't because your child needs you more.  Just wait until you forget to eat because you are too busy feeding them.  Just wait...

OMG!  I sound like old people!  I'm grateful for my kids.  They bring me joy every single day.  Just two days ago my 20 month old boy heard his mommy's phone ringing, saw that I was tied up feeding his 3 month old sister and went to answer it for me without me saying a word!  Talk about the sweetest thing ever!

We have to be so careful to not turn bitter and complain about our blessings.  While you don't have kids...sure live it up, but when you have kids, you can still make time for what you care about.  You can still start a business, pursue a new career, go back to school, learn karate...whatever and you'll feel better for it.

Here are some practical steps for still living your life:
1.  Get on something that closely resembles a routine - I know things won't be perfect, but more often than not, you will have more time to devote to other things.
2.  Set attainable, short-term goals for yourself - If you know there is a mission to be accomplished, you will more than likely make it happen.  If you constantly talk about what you are going to do, it will never get done.
3.   Be prepared and realistic - If you know that your goal calls for internet and you don't have any, it is not realistic to think that you will have 2 hours to go spend at Schlotzky's when you have children and other responsibilities at home.  Gather what you need before hand and be prepared when opportunities present themselves.
4.  Utilize free time wisely - When I have a day off away from the kids, the only thing I really want to do is lounge and get rest.  Sometimes that is exactly what you need to do, but if it is not one of those moments, it is time to do what you need to do to be prepared.  Make phone calls, go to the store for supplies, brainstorm, etc...  The wash will still be there tomorrow and so will the kitchen...your ideas may not be.

You may feel like you have no time and you don't even have children...the same steps apply.  Children just make it more interesting.

No Hopeless Poetry

Lately I have found myself having to fight hopelessness.  The ironic part is that there is NO reason to be hopeless, and I know that.  Why do we entertain thoughts that are irrational?  I always tell my husband that it is ok for a rational person to have irrational fears (this usually pertains to my extreme and silly fear of insects and small animals), but now I'm second guessing my claim.

If there are real signs and there is traceable evidence that shows God's goodness, mercy and grace then why am I afraid?  Why am I tempted to write dark things that will perpetuate my deceitful emotions?  If I truly belief what God's word says (which I do) then why act contrary to my belief?  It makes no sense. 

So...in conclusion...it is not ok for a rational person to have irrational fears IF that person does not check it at some point.  It's not ok to be complacent in them because those comfortable fears will begin to taint precious places in your life and ultimately keep you tied down, away from your purpose.

Hopeless Poetry
I can’t live my life with a passion for no passion

I can’t live my life with joy on a ration
A hope for a new thing my life will fashion
Because
poetry is what I do…
And I’m sick and tired of hopeless poetry
Sick and tired of the blues with no music,
Sick and tired of the bruise in my heart
As those hopeless words fly like darts
And try to impart a world of sorrow.
To hopeless people…
Words we underestimate
So they sneak up in our vulnerable states
Words of hate there to create descent…
So trust is snatched away and
your heart becomes cement…
Hopeless poetry terrorizes our minds
Makes negativity benign
And grinds our dreams to fine dust
And dust is light, so our dreams go with the wind
And now hopeless poetry has got us pinned
In a cycle that never ends…
Not good enough, not smart enough
If you were smarter you’d be better,
You’d be better if you were smarter…
Hopeless poetry has got us pinned….
But what exactly is hopeless poetry
Not just words that strangle your growth,
It’s the fear that plagues you,
The moment when you said “I hate you”
Not caring for him, disrespecting her
Letting circumstances take you back to what you were
Poetry in motion
With its devotion to the desperate,
Preying on your heart, Unforgiveness, and regret,
Is hopeless poetry’s sillouette
And I’m sick and tired of hopeless poetry…